Dear Diary: October 9, 2025
You never really know someone until they try to bury you: I'm playing the game and angry as the sun.
You never really know someone until they try to bury you in their backyard.
I’ve been trying to write all day and I’m still coming up blank like some dumb cow.
What stage of grief is the feeling of resolute calm, contentment, and three glasses of just don’t give a fuck? I could commit to and execute anything, or nothing, and feel the same way.
I have an appointment tomorrow to drop Dora off for cremation. Ordered a custom urn off Etsy. I think it’s something she’d approve and appreciate.
I wanted to write something special about my birthday, but instead chose to hiber-isolate.
But I did find this draft from last year, titled Levator scapulae:
Careful that explanations don’t become excuses.
Sipping ginger tea with sea salt.
Had a headache again today, since this afternoon. Came with very chapped lips, I’m toying with ketosis.
Not intentionally, not really. But I do miss the endless focus and energy it used to bring.
Pork belly for breakfast. Small steak for lunch. More pork belly for dinner. All that fat.
Bought a pair of VR glasses to extend my computer screen. See if I can relieve my broken neck from looking down at my laptop all day.
Hoping they don’t burn out my retinas anyway. 🤞
Soaking in Epsom salts, candles lit, listening to water run through pipes a few walls away, someone else is showering.
Did I finally fix depressing agony with more and different b-vitamins?
From hydroxocobalamin to adenosylcobalamin is night and day. And yes, I’ve memorized how to spell those and hundreds of other chemical names out of necessity.
Thankful for every memory my brain retains.
I was homeless in my car for months, and never found it was a reason not to show up for work.
Even during the pandemic when internet cafes shut down. Chili’s has a generous free wi-fi policy that reaches the parking lot.
So did some Krispy Kreme’s before they realized what’s what.
One planet fitness even, but not consistently.
It’s exhausting having to find a new office every day.
Careful that explanations don’t become excuses. Jesus killed Mallory.
I drew the bath too hot, so I hang my legs on the wall to balance it all.
Trying to wake up at 5am tomorrow. Managed 5:45am today. Baby steps, daily goals.
Ordered a few new tests for nutrients and cortisol.
Why has so much of my hair fallen out?
70 degrees in January, and wildfires in LA. Universal balance it seems.
Taking Cerebrolysin again for my brain. 10mL in the muscle every day for 30 days.
Maybe it was a blessing to get nerve damage in my glutes. Can’t feel a thing.
Funny how life works that way.
Found the muscle causing me so much pain. Levator scapulae. Motherfucker I would say.
Drafted an SOP for work today. Good stuff. Had me feeling like 2015 Erica.
2015 Erica had balls and the energy to do something with them. I really liked her, it’s nice to be reminded of her.
Our routine this week has been near militant, and I love it. I’ll be out of the bath soon, do some flashcard study with Gay Demon Steven before bedtime arrives at 8:30. Glorious to be this type of old person.
Entered my birthdate to order the tests today, they reminded me I’m 40 by asking “is this your correct age?”
Levator scapulae. Yes motherfucker, I’m 40 today.
I bought a hot water bottle to cuddle with. It’s not Dora, but it’s helping cure the insomnia. Today is the first day I didn’t wake up sobbing.
I’m finding reasons every day to go for car rides. Windows down, blare some music, take in the gorgeous scenery. Car rides are my stress ball.
When I can’t sleep, I like ASMR tracks of car rides. I’ve driven thousands of miles to process my thoughts. Run through states to give a little bit of physical distance. Cool down an argument by driving uncharted neighborhoods.
That’s how I got here in the first place.
What a lovely thing. What a lovely chance.
Woke up out of iso-hibernation, saying, “okay, time to buckle in and play the game.”
I’m angry as the sun. Time to give life a run.