I’ve been on the cusp of change since I was 7 years of age.
I don’t know if you like it but I can’t stop with the rhyming.
Believe it or not, I’m not even trying!
A friend tells me, “you know it’s the Rapture today.”
I guess the Lord wants me to stay.
I always thought I was smarter than the rest. Immune to their poor decisions.
Turns out, I’m just delayed. Still made all the bad decisions anyway. Parties, drinking, drugs, dancing, toxic relationships.
And it’s a trick of the mind, to think you’re so smart. Because you can logic your way in and out of any bad decision-making.
FAAFO still applies. Fuck around and find out is universal.
Even these past few months, I’ve been making endless excuses for why I’m still picking the wrong doors to open. Convincing myself, “this time, I’m the one in control.”
My neighbor Gus once told me, “your mind is so powerful, you ever think maybe you’re keeping yourself sick with it?” He suggested a hypnotist, I never took the time to go.
The façade of control. The program runs even in the absence of its executioner.
Watched a clip today talking about the difference between knowing better and doing better. Been riding that train for too long, at least since last October.
And I’m a hypocrite in that way.
Heard myself saying this morning, “it was my bad memory!” And trying to acrobat my way around, “yeah, but you went back after anyway…”
Asking others to match their words to their actions when dealing with me. But I’m not even decorating that same tree.
Made a rash decision last night, publishing something petty as if I still want to pick a fight. Righted it this morning and immediately felt more aligned.
That’s the good and right.
Even after the Rapture, I’m trying to fight the good fight.
Later today we’re cooking chicken.
Later today we’re getting back on the creative mission.
I was briefly interrupted.
A side quest. The final boss.
Rediscovered Akanamali. I haven’t dissolved completely.
I found and played Oboe first. Can’t steal that away.
A good self reflection.