Solastalgia
The homesickness you have when you are still at home.
There’s some kind of dipper hanging upside my window.
Walking up the stairs of my gym, I don’t really know why I’m here. For the hydromassage, sure. But I have a theragun at home I could use instead. Soak in magnesium bathtub.
I’m moving, so that’s something.
I noticed a few weeks ago that I wear grief like a mask. Expression pulled back. Jawline taught. No new wrinkles around my eyes, but they’re not exactly soft.
Should probably drink some sal aqua today. Blood pressure dipping a bit low with the heat index set to “haze”.
Miracle on 34th street. Or was it 35th?
“I don’t know why I purchased so much,” keeps repeating in my head.
I don’t feel much right now, numbed out. But if I could, I’d feel that I don’t know much.
I’ve committed to reading more. Bought a kindle, my very first one. Ate some cantaloupe before bed, knocked me on the floor. No dream transactions. No what’s what for.
Spent an afternoon at the coast. “Where’s your other pup?” an old man hobbling asks. I guess it’s me who remains memorable. If I had an ego left it would have felt stoked and stroked.
Bear in mind, Freud was just some coke head. If he’d held on 9 more years he’d probably have been a psychedelic one.
My neighbors are in a cult. Jehovah’s Witness. The friendliest ones.
When I was 20, I moved to Washington and trained horses for a year there. The instructor we worked under liked to have us play word-association games. He’d give us an example with the word cat. Then what you might think of next is mouse, or hat, or cheese. Then with cheese you might think fondue, or melting, or bleu.
CHEATING
CLOSETED
MILITARY
KETAMINE
ARROGANT
EVIDENCE
WEAPONRY
CIVILIAN
DECEIVED
HILARITY
HEADACHE
HAPPENED
TERRIBLE
BEFRIEND
CONSPIRE
THREATEN
DATABASE
BAKEWARE
I bought some new cotton underwear. There isn’t much polyester I own anymore. Sometimes it’s the little things that have the greatest impact.
Dora’s urn arrived today. Her ashes are still being ashed.
Millie’s curled up in her kennel, resting after an adventure-filled day.
It’s possible to become too aware. A reason for smoke and mirrors. Stinging nettle in my water to keep the histamines at bay. Ate a donut with my freedom today. Bought clip-in bangs.
Sal in my bathtub. Sal in my face. Pearls hanging from my ears again.
I want to leave the door open for you
This time—
[…] Knowing the walls are still stained
with our 4am arguments
What a disgusting mental yoke.
Guess it’s time to re-learn the definition of nihilism, anhedonia; crack a fucking egg yolk.